Just think of driving a car. You have to use controls to drive you straight when you are driving. Mainly, you use steering wheel, accelerator & breaks. There are other facilities like horn, signals, rear view mirror etc. When you are dealing with difficult people, you have to follow 3 critical steps. These are: i) stay calm ii) find help and iii) debrief.
- In heavy traffic you tend to lose your cool. Likewise, with a difficult person you have a tendency to become impatient. Don’t do that. Stay calm.
- You may try to find help. Someone who you think can guide you or act as a mediator to avoid confrontations.
- In the complex life today, it’s prudent to have a mentor. A mentor has no conflicting interests with you. All he looks for is helping you. After you have faced the difficult person with whatever results, it is useful to discuss the entire situation with your mentor.
Don’t treat your opponent as your enemy. Respect his/her dignity and the results will be good. And for that just do the following:
- Listen attentively. Let them talk and you should just listen. Often the opponents will not open their cards but when you listen attentively you may be able to discover the hidden agenda which will help you to deal with him/her. Besides, people want to be listened to. They want to talk.
- Don’t hurt their dignity. Respect their ego. When you don’t respect you opponent the situation will only go from bad to worse. This needs to be avoided so that there is no escalation of the problem.
- Don’t judge people. Try to understand than before forming you opinion about them. When you have already formed an opinion, there are chances that you will not try discovering the hidden need of the opponent. Therefore keep your mind open and do not judge.
- When the tempers run high allow opponent to calm down. Your help will soften his stubborn intentions to some extent. Besides, you cannot discuss, much less negotiate, when the tempers run high.
Respect Nature which has made all human beings individuals No two people are alike; not in their physical attributes but much less in their mental makeup. Thus, it would be a sheer folly to assume a particular method to deal with one difficult person will also work when we are dealing with another. Just like one size does not fit all, one type of response will not solve problem with another. We need to contemplate solution after clearly understanding the situation and the concerned person.
Tit for tat was an old school story. Leave it behind. It doesn’t work anymore. Times have changes dramatically and now these are changing faster than ever. So every situation needs a specific strategy suited to the occasion. Don’t return anger with anger. Intimidation is freely used and abused. More importantly if you lose your cool, you will not be able to use tact to your advantage.
Further, you must not try to justify your actions and act defensively. This may only aggravate the problem. Acting defensively will make you weaker. The best strategy is let the opponent puff out their steam. Better sense will prevail sooner than later.
Lastly don’t ever try to win an argument. As they say when you win an argument, you lose a friend.
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Anger, we all know is of no avail. It serves no objective. It creates many problems, but offers no solution. Yet most of us get angry. What is Anger? And, why do we get angry? A good definition of Anger is- It is our response to anything happening which is totally against our wishes- something which is never expected.
- In fact, we get angry because of our own short comings. If we are not able to deal with someone efficiently, we get angry. If we are not able to fulfill our commitment, we get angry. If our boss gets upset; again we get angry. We also get angry because of our arrogance. Almost anything may hit our pride and the result is anger.
- Further, your junior repetitively makes a mistake, you get angry. You may even know that anger will not improve his conduct, yet, anger never abates. Your anger deteriorates his/her conduct. This makes an occasion for you to become even angrier. The victim may not show anything but will keep that in mind which is even worse.
- You boss fires you over the delay in completing something that you had committed. This results in bitterness which may graduate into hate. Instead of trying to draw a lesson, an easier solution is adopted- rage.
- The consequences of the dangerous emotion are known to all of us. If we contemplate and consider on these disastrous repercussions, will we ever do that? Perhaps yes! Bad habits die very hard.
- Buddha said that you will be punished by your anger and not the person on whom you get angry.
- Someone else said “speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you will ever regret”.
- Another clever man said that you should make your anger so expensive that no one can afford it; and make your happiness so cheap that people get it almost free.
- Bruce Lee said “A quick anger will make a fool of you soon enough”.
Anger ruins your chances of success. Success requires following the plan with a cool mind. It requires eye for details while doing the job which needs meticulous attention. But huff will not allow it to happen.
Above all, wrath ruins efficiency. Productivity suffers. Power of concentration is diminished. Even though you may be able to complete some tasks on time, this foolish emotion will come in between. The task gets delayed and you go into tantrums. Reputation suffers. You may have earned it bit by bit, but the blow is sudden. If you lose temper, your help to a person is erased all at once. If people consider you short tempered, they will avoid you as much as they can.
Anger spoils your gains often. You may be on the verge of receiving some benefits, gifts or gains but anger spoils it all.
Lastly, but more importantly; anger is bad for your health. It increases blood pressure which leads to hypertension. We all know that continuous hypertension eventually results in heart attacks.
So never get angry!
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The Dictionary meaning of Poise is composure or self-possession or equilibrium.
Thus a poised person is self-assured and carries himself/herself gracefully and with dignity.
For human beings the difficulty arises due to emotions. If anything is not happening as per the expectation, the individual is likely to react in a way which is often irrational. Poise is difficult to maintain. However, the benefits are immense. A poised person is able to deal with all kinds of people calmly and elegantly.
How to maintain poise? Psychologists after research have come to certain conclusions, which I would like to reproduce below:
The biggest enemy of poise is anger. Everyone would agree that anger is not beneficial to the individual under any circumstances. A person gets angry due to uncomfortable situations due to uncomfortable situations or due to his/her own inadequacies to meet the situations. One may also get angry if someone insults or speaks in a manner which is unworthy. But with practice one can meet all challenges. They can remain cool in all circumstances but this will happen with consistent efforts and self awareness.
You should laugh with others even if joke is on you. Any sarcastic remarks can easily be laugh away. Apply mind to come out with the solution. This will happen if you take things in their straight.
Life is mixture of highs and lows. Good things are followed by challenges just like night falls after day the life does not offer a regular cycle like night and day. But both difficulties and happy moments are a part of everybody’s’ life. We need to be appreciated. Keep your spirit up even when things go wrong.
Ego is another enemy of poise. Unfortunately this malady is wide spread. It is found in most well-to-do people. Realizing that ego does not serve any purpose we should throw it out from our life.
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Out of the 8 personality problems or 8 Enemies of Happiness in the personality, Anger is most damaging. Anger is an emotional response related to one’s psychological interpretation of having been threatened. At times the response could be volatile. Anger can have many physical and mental consequences. The ability to take right decision is impaired. Unabated continuous anger can cause he decks, migraines, chest pains etc. over a long period anger results in high blood pressure, depression and heart related diseases.
So we all agree that anger must be avoided to remain fit n fine. But how do we do that. I am listening below some suggestions which I do not claim can totally eradicate your anger, but they are helpful. If practiced with a positive attitude and consistently they can defiantly mitigate anger and control minds of very short tempered people. The suggestions are as follows.
1. The first step is to control your speech. Anger is an emotion which will be difficult to handle but speech is something which is comparatively easier to control. Once you practice control of your speech you will also be practicing how to maintain a positive body language also. With the speech and body language under control you will be able to handle even difficult people efficiently. This will result in reduction of the occasions for you to lose your temper.
2. Smile is a very simple antidote to anger. So therefore keep a smiling face.
3. Meditation is also helpful.
4. Yogic exercises everyday will cool down your temperament.
5. When you are angry go to a quiet place- a sea shore or a garden and have a quiet walk.
6. Start listening to soft music that you like.
Finally ask yourself: why do I get angry? Is it helping in any way? Am I achieving any objective whatever it may be?
You will find the answer to all the above questions is simple ‘No’. Therefore you must decide ‘Not to get angry at all’. Keep on repeating these questions and decision every day until you find that your temper is cooling down.
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In my last posting I had mention that as a 1st step we must identify enemies of our Happiness. These are broadly speaking of two types.
- Enemies of happiness residing within ourselves.
- Enemies outside. These could be people; this could be a tasks which you don’t like or environment.
In today’s posting I like to tell you about enemies of Happiness which are within are our own selves. I have listed eight. There could be more. Based on these 8 you can prepare your own list. Because Happiness is of prime importance to all of us, we must apply our mind deeply to correct the situation. Following is the list of enemies of Happiness residing in our own Body and Soul.
- Anger 5. Attachment
- Fear 6. Hesitation
- Jealousy 7. Procrastination
- Indecision 8. Greed
Today I will talk about 1st four i.e. Anger, Fear, Jealousy and Indecision.
My personal experience and those of my students who have shared with me reaffirm that these four enemies are big Happiness Spoilers in our lives. In order to have appropriate benefit of our discussion, I suggest that you may mentally go through the pages of the book of your life. Then identify which were the moments when these four villains have spoiled your happy moments.
I received a mail from one of my readers to shorten my blog. I ‘ll talk to you further on this tomorrow.
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3 Magical Words that can change you life. What do these words mean? Simply stated these mean that your words must simply stated these mean that you must always remain composed – Never exceedingly happy, and never heavily sad.
Never react to a person, nor to any situation. It may so happen that someone has told you something which he or she should not have said. You may become angry and give it back in the same coin. But that will not solve the problem. It will aggravate it. Then what should you do? Should you take things lying down? No! Yet, you must practice to remain composed and ask your mind what you should do? You will mind will surely respond. You will be able to say such words ‘cooly’ to your opponent that will work out to be a befitting response. The person will never dare to insult you again. Is it easy to acquire such strength in character? No it is not. But, it is quite possible by consistently reminding yourself that you must never ever react. You should ‘act’ instead. Asking your mind is in fact your ‘action’.
We must all remember that when we ‘act’, we use our mind. But when we ‘react’, we lose our mind. Using the mind is surely a better alternative. Your mind provides you with ample opportunities to overcome difficult, indeed very difficult situations. It is worth becoming adept in using your mind gainfully, always