Developing ability to say ‘No’

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Developing ability to say ‘No’

Often times, we are scared to say ‘no’ even if we want to, even if we need to.
Suppose a friend asks you for ‘help’ to complete a project. You know that you are extremely busy and you don’t have the time for the ‘help’ requested. Being scared of offending a friend you just accept the request without proper thinking. This is lack of ‘assertiveness’. It will lead to a greater problem when the relevant time comes. If you help, you will consider in your mind that your friend is inconsiderate because your own work is suffering. If you don’t, your friend will be upset because you have gone back from your commitment and let him/her down.
So, what should you do?
Develop assertiveness. It’s developing your ability to say ‘no’ when you need to say ‘no’. But you have to say it in a manner that it does not offend your friend. You must use your language and articulate your inability in such words and such tone that your friend appreciates your position rather than feeling upset. The same holds good for your colleagues in office and others.
 

Act never React!

3 Magical Words that can change you life. What do these words mean? Simply stated these mean that your words must simply stated these mean that you must always remain composed – Never exceedingly happy, and never heavily sad.

Never react to a person, nor to any situation. It may so happen that someone has told you something which he or she should not have said. You may become angry and give it back in the same coin. But that will not solve the problem. It will aggravate it. Then what should you do? Should you take things lying down? No! Yet, you must practice to remain composed and ask your mind what you should do? You will mind will surely respond. You will be able to say  such words ‘cooly’ to your opponent that will work out to be a befitting response. The person will never dare to insult you again. Is it easy to acquire such strength in character? No it is not. But, it is quite possible by consistently reminding yourself that you must never ever react. You should ‘act’ instead. Asking your mind is in fact your ‘action’.

We must all remember that when we ‘act’, we use our mind. But when we ‘react’, we lose our mind. Using the mind is surely a better alternative. Your mind provides you with ample opportunities to overcome difficult, indeed very difficult situations. It is worth becoming adept in using your mind gainfully, always

‘Voice Modulation’

We hear a lot about voice modulation in the age of public presentations.
What is modulation? And why is it so important?
Voice Modulation is your ability, rather, talent to bring in variance in pace, pause, pitch, emphasis on the key word and the tone. Unless you modulate your voice while speaking to a group or even a lone listener, the chances are that you speech will not be effective at all. We have often seen some members of the audience dozing away while the speaker continues his/her speech. Now, I will explain- pace, pause, pitch, emphasis on the key word and the tone.
Pace: if you speak very fast you will not be understood but, if you speak very slowly you tend to become dull and listeners will not like to listen to you. However, when you speak with a medium speech, though audience can understand you but the same pace of your words will render your speech monotonous.
Pause: Just as in written text you have coma, full stop, paragraph and other punctuation marks, your speech too must reflect the same by means of pauses of different durations. This will make the speech effective.
Pitch: It is the note on which you speak. While attending a solemn meeting you cannot speak on higher pitch. But at the same time if the commentator of a football match speaks at a low pitch, nobody will like to listen to him.
Emphasis on the key word: Just as you get unwanted results if you Google a wrong key word, different meaning will be conveyed by the same sentence when you emphasis a wrong word.
Tone: Tone is most dicey. It is easy to control the words and the sentences. But it is very difficult to control the tone. Tone represents the emotions with which you speak. Often times, due to inappropriate tone the speaker lands into trouble.

Benevolent Badri

I had a friend who was always looking for people whom he could help. He could never see anyone suffering. He would get so involved in the problems of others that he would forget his own.
I had read in our scriptures that persons with ‘Devi Prakarti’ are the ones who are always concerned about the welfare of others. They would even find how the enemies after death could go to heaven and not the hell. Indeed it was the concept of ‘Ma Durga’ who would want to destroy the demons with her swords and/or other arms instead of destroying them with a just a fierce gaze. It had been further explained that the very touch of the arms of Mata Durga is enough for the salvation of these demons. Devi thus bestows salvation and not damnation even of demons
But, Badri was not an angel. He was a human being like all of us.
Due to his extreme concern for others, his own business invariably suffered. Most of time he was in financial difficulties. His wife remained upset and the family life disturbed. Poor benevolent Badri!

Lifeline of Mumbai

http://www.nasiknews.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/local-train.jpg

At a recent training program, we wanted to conduct a debate. There were about twenty participants- all executives of a medium size organization. There were nine ladies and eleven male executives. Most of them had been using Mumbai’s Lifeline- Local Trains.

The topic was defined as,

Commuters themselves are responsible for poor services of Mumbai’s Local Trains.

Two groups were formed. By consensus, it was decided that ladies would speak for the motion and men would oppose the motion and hold Government responsible for the malady.

Ladies group made out a strong case that commuters are either misusing the facilities provided by the railways or were not coming forward to notify their genuine complaints.

Male participants enumerated various issues like delays, shoddy  announcements, hawkers & beggars infesting the stations and the compartments, thefts, accidents etc, But, somehow they did not speak with conviction. So it seemed that the ladies had carried the day.

Then, the motion

“Commuters themselves are responsible for the poor service of railways”

was put to vote.

Contrary to the expectation motion failed. All male and female participants  voted against the motion and held railway authorities squarely responsible for their mismanagement and all pervading corruption.

Are you listening?

While talking on the telephone often you ask the listener – “Are you Listening?” If there is no sound of response such as ‘hmm’, ‘yes’, ‘please go ahead’, ‘I understand’, etc. you tend to feel that your words are falling on deaf ears. More so when you are negotiating on the telephone.
But what happens when you talk face to face?
The significance of your words is reduced to just 10 to 15%. ‘How you say it?’ – becomes more important than what you say. Even when you are articulate the efficacy of your words will not go down unless you compliment your words with voice modulation. Modulation is your ability to bring variance in Pace, Pause, Pitch, Emphasis on the keywords and the Tone.
Further, you body language* too is extremely important for making the communication convincing and effective.
Attentive listening to others is the key to build good relations. Listen to others and they will listen to you!
*(facial expression, posture, gestures, eye contact)

Ms. Manners

A few years ago I had joined  ‘A poetry club’. I fail to remember the club’s name.

A number of persons trying to call themselves Poets! The chief undoubtedly is a poet. His poems constitute a part of the English literature curriculum for students of master of arts degree in English literature. Frankly, I did not read his poems. He recited some of theses from time to time in our poetry meetings

And we had a lady member whose name I would not like to reveal. Let me call her Ms. Manners.

We were at the get-together hosted by a Business Chamber. The Chief Guest was Counsel General from an African country. After the speech of the Chief Guest and a Vote of Thanks, the chamber had arranged cocktails. Guests were enjoying conversations in small groups. I was a part of one such group. Our Ms. Manners was enthusiastically speaking about something to the Deputy Counsel General. He too, was deeply engaged and added a comment here and there. I was a mute spectator because I didn’t understand what they were talking about. The conversation swung from trade to tradition and from African Jungles to Railway Networks. Meanwhile, the Diplomat was approached by another guest. Ms. Manners took me aside and started advising me discretely and confidently. “You must find space and enter the conversion. One should be able to contribute to any topic to make his or her presence felt. Otherwise, you are left alone, you know”, she said. And did I not know!

Ethos, Pathos, Logos : Part II

Yesterday I talked about ‘Ethos’ i.e. your credentials. Today, I’ll explain ‘Pathos’ & ‘Logos’.
‘Pathos’ represents the needs or the expectations of your audience. What does your audience need from you? If your communications satisfies this need, you are a good communicator/speaker.
You must know the audience profile in order to establish their requirements. Age group, Gender, qualification, profession, general likes and dislikes. These all comprise the profile. Having understood the audience, it is easy to frame a suitable talk. When you are communicating to an individual, you have to put yourself in his/her shoes in order to define the needs.
Lastly, it is ‘logos’. ‘Logos’ refers to your ability to be convincing. Your ability to influence people. You can do this with the following in mind.
You must choose your words with discretion.
Use simple language.
Modulate your speech to hold attention of listener/listeners.
Speak to express and not impress.
Develop your own natural style. Don’t copy anyone.
Maintain cordiality.

Jarnail Singh

I met him in the train while travelling from Mumbai to Jallendhar. He boarded the train at Baroda. A thickly built youngman, in early 40’s, he displayed the usual attributes of a Sardarji- Exuding energy, broad smile and an uncanny frankness.

He came to cabin A of the compartment, where I and my wife were sitting, after discussing ‘something’ with the conductor. Till Baroda, we were the only travelers in the cabin meant for 4 passengers. After settling his luggage, he greeted us by mumbling ‘Satsariakaal’ with a broad amiable smile.

Introducing self and my wife, I asked him where he was going and what was his profession. He had been traveling for nearly a ‘fortnight. He met his clients in Southern India and in Gujarat. Now, he was going back to his hometown – Amritsar.

He makes agro net knitting machines. I had never heard of these. Nets made by these machines are used to protect fruits and flowers from the vagaries of weather. Upon further enquiries, he informed that the ultraviolet rays of the sun are controlled by these nets. Temperature is also controlled. It was interesting to know that red nets are used as a protective ceiling for red roses, blackish violet nets for the black grapes which are grown in vineyards of Nasik and Hyderabad. Good interesting knowledge. His clear descriptions were constantly interrupted by the two mobiles, he was carrying.

Mostly, he spoke in Punjabi. His Hindi, too, had the robust Punjabi flavour.

‘O, ji, kii kariya! English phasha bot aukhi ya. Lakh koshish karan naal wi aundi nai’. (What shall we do? In spite of maximum efforts, it is very difficult to learn)

Main ta ji padhiya likhya nai. Ajkal ae mobilan ne kum saukha kar dita ya. Maila shailani appaan chhoti moti English which kar laine yan. Baaki Rab Raakha.

(I am uneducated. Mobile has made life very easy these days. The little knowledge of English language that I have helps me to handle the e-mails that I receive from my factory & clients in different parts of the country Rest comes with the Almighty’s Help.

‘Ethos, Pathos, Logos’

Three simple but rather uncommon words. Three great words not only for the public speakers but for everyone, according to me.
Today, I’ll talk about ‘Ethos’
What is Ethos? It reflects your credentials. I explain to my students like this. “Imagine that you are appointed Ambassador of your country to another state. The first job that you have to do is to present your authorization documents to the head of the state in which you are appointed Ambassador. Likewise, a speaker must present his/her credentials to the audience. The audience must know that you are the right person to speak on the subject. That you not only have the required qualification and knowledge to speak on the subject but also desire and enthusiasm to benefit the audience. This is about public speaking. But everyone is not a public speakers, you might argue.
Just to explain further, I’ll ask you a question. Suppose, you have to make an important phone call. Is it not necessary for the person to know that you are the right person, that you know what you are talking about and you have done your ‘home work’ before lifting the telephone. It’s only about forming a habit. Depending on what you are speaking about and to whom, it may take only a few seconds to reflect and then only you should make the call.
And please don’t forget to remember Aristotle for he was the first to describ these three words ‘Ethos, Pathos, and Logos’ which can bring about a great change in our lives!